The Better Star Wars Prequels: A Fan Wank From A “Casual” Fan

Okay, here’s an idea to redo the Star Wars prequels with mostly existing material from the prequel era, just rearranged.

Episode 1: Starts out with a botched rescue attempt on a slave ship. The security forces can’t manage to push ahead fast enough, at least not fast enough until the slavers space or kill have the slaves as a form of evidence disposal. One kid’s, or teenager’s rather, mom gets killed before his eyes. He rages out, crushes a guy’s skull with the Force. Then a Jedi enters the fight and deals with the slavers way quicker than the security forces. He finds the boy and takes him in. That’s how Obi-Wan Kenobi meets Anakin Skywalker, a boy happy to be saved from slavery but harboring resentment at the Jedi for not intervening faster.

Time skip, ten, fifteen years later, and Obi-Wan and Anakin are called in to basically do the same thing as Attack of the Clones. We can skip Phantom Menace, that happened off-screen and without Obi-Wan or Anakin. Then basically the same shtick with Anakin, a cocky cowboy Jedi at this point, kinda how Obi-Wan described him in the Original Trilogy, defending a young senator. We go a bit more into detail why Dooku and Co wanna leave, get a bit of a civil discussion out of the way first to establish that he actually is a “political idealist” as stated in Ep2. We’ll rearrange the middle bit a bit, make the romance more interesting, but we’ll end with Anakin and Padme not getting together, cause, you know still two more movies to go and we need to stretch that shit. Movie ends with the beginning of the Clone Wars.

Episode 2: Starts out five, six years later, the war is stretching on, with the Jedi serving as Generals and Anakin in particular always at the front lines. He’ll have just come back from a mission at the front that saw several Padawan die, giving him resentment over the Jedi essentially using child soldiers. He sees this unnormal and creepy because he was taken in late, so there’s a nice callback to Yoda and Luke even = uncomplete conditioning/brainwashing on part of the Jedi. And then? We’ll then we get the Clone Wars cartoon condensed into one movie, with Anakin forced to take on Asoka as an apprentice. Anakin, who has just lost another Padawan, doesn’t want another one, cause he never learned to deal with loss. Throw in Padme there at some point for some lovin’ and a subplot for Obi-Wan about, dunno, Order 66 or something, all stuff from the TV show really, and then you’re good. Movie ends on a battle between Anakin and Asoka vs Dooku, in which Asoka is gravely wounded, and Anakin strikes down a defensless Dooku in return. Anakin quits the Jedi Order in disgust and goes off to live with Padme or something.

Episode 3: Another couple of years later, the war has been going on for 10-15 years at this point, and everyone is so tired at this point. Obi-Wan and Yoda and whoever else have a great plan to stop the war in a final decisive battle. Anakin has at this point become a bodyguard for Chancellor Palpatine and they’ve become fast friends, getting their relationship from the original prequels out of the way in that backstory, but with the Episode 3 stuff intact for this movie. Anakin goes back to the Jedi at the urging of Obi-Wan, Asoka also returns, because at this point the Order has been thinned from a couple of ten thousand to a couple of hundred. Corrusant and other planets are completely run down, the war economy is breaking down, people are clammering for an end of the war and Palpatine is making grand speeches about that stuff. The Stormtrooper Corps is at this point bolstered by first volunteers then conscripts. While Anakin and Obi-Wan are off to do the last grand battle or whatever, reigniting their friendship, we’ll have a subplot with maybe Padme about looking into Palpatine’s evil shit, discovering that he’s Darth What’s-His-Face, who played everyone all along. Palpatine and his goons decide not to kill her because she’s with child. Dun-dun-dun. And he’ll need those to train for himself. During the final mission everything get’s resolved in terms of defeating the Seperatists, but the price is high and all the Jedi die and Asoka gets near-fatally injured. In his rage Anakin slaughters his way through a legion of Seperatist troops and takes down the Seperatists by himself, but not without tapping into the Dark Side. He quits the Jedi again, in disgust at all the casualties, and the Jedi Masters like Yoda and Obi-Wan who sit in their Ivory Tower like armchair generals back on Corrsant. Now Palpatine arrives on location to take the surrender but first he meets up with Anakin in a medical facility, comforts him and basically does the usual Palpatine stick, then shows him how to tab into the Dark Side to save Asoka. He does and then gets told, maybe with flashbacks, that all the good he ever accomplished as a Jedi came from using the Dark Side and that the Jedi with their Light Side nonsense have only ever really accomplished the death of small children unfit for combat, and other shady stuff we allude to during the prequels.

Meanwhile, in a false flag operation, Palpatine uses force users to attack the Senate and make it seem like the Jedi are making a grab for power. We’ll also have an attack on Palpatine that Anakin stops, who pledges his allegiance to Palpatine, the only one who still makes sense in this time. They leave but leave Asoka behind to recouperate, though Palpatine leaves behind some Clones to “mob up” after him. The Jedi are now hunted because after all the shady Jedi stuff they (canonically) pull nobody really trusts them. Order 66 is issued by the Senate, even though some Senators rally behind Padme and Bail Organa. Anakin, now full on Palpatine’s side, sick of all the Jedi lies and bullcrap, helps take down all the rest of the Jedi, who can’t put up much of a fight anymore because the war depleted their numbers. Yoda quickly goes into hiding, saying that they failed and must wait for better times. Asoka, who survived Palapatine’s mob up crew also goes into hiding, disgusted at all that bullshit. Obi-Wan won’t tolerate that and goes on a last stand against Anakin and Palpatine. Basically the Mustafar thing: Obi-Wan wins, Anakin gets brutally maimed in what amounts to an accident because Obi-Wan also lets loose with his resentment but can’t stop himself in time to stop. He then disappears. Padme also disappears after hearing that Anakin “died” and goes and lives on Aldeeran. Obi-Wan finds out about the pregnancy and that they are Anakin’s kids, so he takes one with him to Tatooine, in fear that if Anakin should pull through he would eventually find them and train them in the Dark Side for the new Emperor. Maybe he can even fake Luke’s death so that everyone thinks only Leia survived. The movie ends where the normal prequels also end: with Anakin being reborn as Darth Vader.

Fin… err The End.

Now, obviously this doesn’t work as a three parter, the last one is very heavy in terms of plot, way too much stuff happens, but for something that I compiled in about 25 minutes I think it’s alright and definitely a starting point. All I wanted to demonstrate here is that we could very easily “fix” the prequels with material from the Clone Wars, “fix” all the continuity snarls with the Original Trilogy, and “fix” well, you get the point….

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Author: Alex

Full time student, part time "writer" of things.

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